Because naming a desire does more than communicate an instruction. It reveals a little of who we are sexually. And suddenly there is the risk of evaluation: Is that weird? Too much? Too little? What will my partner think of me? How do I even know I like this?
Someone may be perfectly capable of saying “That feels good” and become completely lost when asked “What do you want?” One is feedback about something already offered. The other means placing your own desire on the table first.
Sexual shame often hides particularly well here. A person does not have to hate their sexuality or believe sex is dirty. It may be enough to feel that some desires are safer if they remain unnamed.
So learning to talk about sex is not only about communication skills. Sometimes it begins with giving yourself permission to believe that your pleasure matters enough to ask for.