But attention is also a limited resource.
If much of it is occupied by thoughts such as “How do I look?”, “Am I reacting well enough?” or “What does my partner think about my body right now?”, there is less attention available for the sensations themselves.
Research on body image has repeatedly found associations between how people experience their bodies and different aspects of sexual well-being. The subject has been studied particularly extensively in women, but it also affects men.
And the problem is not necessarily objective appearance. Someone can look wonderful and still monitor their appearance so intensely that during intimacy they are essentially watching themselves instead of inhabiting their own sensations.
This may also explain why a partner’s compliment sometimes helps far less than we expect. The outside voice says, “You are beautiful,” while the internal one replies, “They are just saying that.”
So greater sexual freedom may not require creating the perfect body. It may involve gradually reducing the need to constantly check how sexual that body looks.
Sometimes one of the best signs of good sex is the moment when you finally stop caring what you look like from the outside.
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