But research and tools designed to measure sexual compatibility look at something much broader.
They include not only each partner’s needs, but also how well the partners coordinate, the context surrounding sex, obstacles, satisfaction with sexual interactions, and the couple’s ability to function with the differences that already exist.
Compatibility is not only “we want the same things.” It is also “what happens between us when we want different things.”
Two people can have substantially different preferences and still create an excellent sexual relationship if they can communicate freely, respect boundaries, negotiate and find solutions in which neither person has to keep sacrificing themselves.
Meanwhile, people with almost perfectly matched preferences can undermine sex through anxiety, silence, pressure or the expectation that a partner should somehow know everything without being told.
So sexual compatibility may not only be something a couple discovers in each other.
Sometimes it is something they build together.
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